GOD said there'd be days like THIS...

I have been putting off writing this entry. I don't know exactly why but even as I'm typing now my heart is beating faster than usual and I feel a bit anxious...

A fair warning up front: it's no secret that humor is largely my focus on this blog but this entry is not going to be as much fun...I guess some "motherhood confessions" are of a more serious nature. But I said I would share the good, bad and ugly, and I suppose this is part of that.

SO...I started going to MOPS (Mothers of PreSchoolers) in September and immediately met a TON of amazing and wonderful mothers. We share mom-tips, mom-stories, mom-laughs... We come out for a couple of hours twice a month and eat breakfast and talk about fun stuff like crafts and "finding our identities" as mothers. It's all just "NORMAL" mom-stuff.

But after just one meeting, we learned that one of the fellow moms had a baby girl who had become sick and was in the hospital. Immediately, we all began to pray for her healing and recovery. We followed a blog to check in on her progress....and we prayed. We worried...and we prayed. HOWEVER, I think most of us counted on the idea that little girls just don't die and that we'd quickly return to talking to this mom about how to make Christmas centerpieces for her home this holiday season. We were all just waiting for her little girl to get better.

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This...

So...life with a new born, a toddler, and a pre-schooler has been a whirlwind. I've heard varying opinions on the subject, but I would definitely say THREE is a whole lot different from TWO. Suddenly I found myself looking around at all of these little people and thinking:

"Dang, there sure is a lot of them".

It kind of snuck up on me though, as these little humans typically do. It's not until you get them home and unwrap them that you really get a clue as to what's in store. As I mentioned before in my summation of my labor experience, Garrett started things off awesome by behaving himself and graduating to the status of a regular nursery baby, rather than a Special Care baby like our other two. This allowed for two days at the hospital filled with visitors and presents and laughter and joy...a first-time experiene for Ryan and I.

And it seems that the blessings just continued after we got home. Ryan was on paternity leave for two weeks (can you believe our world has come so far that men actually get PATERNITY leave?? I can just hear older men scoff...40 years ago, I thinks kids were lucky if their dads knew their first names). BUT alas, this is a new era and Ryan took advantage...and we enjoyed every minute of it. We had people bringing us meals and non-stop visitors for those two weeks.

THEN just as Ryan was getting ready to return to work and I thought reality might set in, his parents came to visit for 5 days...yea! I can prolong real life for a little while longer! So we're up to three weeks now, and I had yet to experience what real life was going to be like...though I knew it was looming and I would soon find out.

Well that day finally came. It was just a few days after Ryan's parents went home to Cape Cod. It was like I woke up to a newborn-hangover. All the noise and lights from the 3-week party still spinning in my head...yet the house was eerily empty. Except of course for those three little humans I was now charged with taking care of all by myself for the first time.

Welcome Baby Garrett Ryan Howe!

SO...he's finally here! Baby Garrett Ryan Howe joined us on July 25, 2009 - 11 days early! (I was SOOO happy about the early part) I had started preparing for labor to happen "any minute" at about month eight. Perhaps I was a little over-anxious...and I was DEFINITELY exercising some wishful thinking, but he came through for me... (atta boy!) But, before I talk about all the good stuff, I absolutely HAVE to talk about the storm BEFORE all the good stuff....that beautiful thing called Labor and Delivery. What a trip! As they say... "every woman's labor is different"...and that has been true even for my own labors - all three have been vey different. But this one takes the cake. I think if I had to title the whole experience, I would definitely have to call it "What the Crap".

Here we go...

So that Friday started out like any other day. I had an amazing morning with my neighbor Elizabeth...we took the kids to the park and then came back to her house to eat lunch and let the kids play. But then that afternoon when I got home, it happened. My water broke.

I wasn't sure what had happened...this never ocurred with my other pregnancies. So I called the doctor. She said either my water broke or I peed my pants. I was DEFINITELY crossing my fingers it was the first one. Not just because I was really hoping I was in labor but because I was really REALLY hoping I wasn't facing an incontinence issue - pregnant or not.

So I got to the hospital and my water had indeed broken. Weirdness set in a bit for me here...with my other two labors, there was something amazing about arriving at the hospital...there was such an air of excitement that kind of helped to distract from all the discomfort. BUT for SOME reason, this time around, the novelty had completley worn off. As I prepared to get admitted (i.e. signing paperwork and getting that stupid I.V. drip started), I was already over it. I was asking for my epidural before I even got out of triage.

Holy Smoothie, Batman!

Ok it's been a LOOOOOOOONG time since I've gotten a chance to post updates on here! As everyone knows, I've recently added number three to the mix - Garret Ryan Howe entered into the world on July 25, weighing in at 8 lbs 5 ounces...BUT more on that later. I first have to backtrack a bit to share something that happened a few weeks BEFORE Garret arrived. Everyone who's had a baby knows that the last few weeks of pregnancy, you are ready to reach in there and pull the baby out yourself if you could just be sure you wouldn't get arrested...or locked away. And with baby number three, that feeling started in with me at about month 5. SO that's how I was feeling this particular morning...very, very pregnant and very tired one (and also pretty hormonal but what else is new). I was also (of course) in a mad rush to get out the door. I don't even remember now where I was trying to go but apparently it was important. I decided to be a "good" mom on this day and make home-made smoothies for the kids...fresh blueberries included. THat is one thing I do enjoy doing for the kids...and it helps me get a fast breakfast down for myself as well. So I make the smoothie and hand cups over to the kids, asking them to please drink it in the kitchen. The plan is, they drink their breakfast while I get everything ready to head out and then I'll scoop them up, throw on shoes and voila! I will be walking out the door on time with kids who've eaten a healthy breakfast - SUCCESS! However, plans were once again thwarted when (and don't even ask me HOW this happened), Mackenna and Grayson collide into each other, each with their respective smoothies in hand...and (now this is the part I don't quite understand) this collision somehow caused Mackenn's smoothie to spill....no that's not the right word...ERUPT from her glass...I mean like VOLCANO style. It was ALL OVER THE KITCHEN. Let's remember this smoothie was made with blueberries...which makes it a PUTRID PURPLE color that is now melting down the sides of my cupboards, the refrigerator...I even found some in the bathroom off of the kitchen. I almost couldn't conceive of what had just happened. As I stood there in shock and amazement, Mackenna began crying because of the departure of her beloved smoothie...which then caused Grayson to cry because...well because he's two. So I now am trying to get out the door with purple smoothie all over my ENTIRE kitchen and two crying children. LIFE NEVER WORKS THE WAY WE PLAN!!!! So I will include some pictures but they don't do justice. For a LIVE ACTION VIDEO of this event, see below. Oh my life can make me laugh sometimes.

Oh and PS - In the Video you will several cries of "I WANT MY PROTEIN DRINK!!"......this is what we call the purple smoothies because of the shot of protein powder I put in them...just so you know.

A Day in the Life Part 2...

So now that the weather is getting nicer and people are beginning to emerge from hibernation, I decided it would be nice to have some friends over for dinner last night. I have ALSO decided that IF I wait to have company until I have the energy or the time to plan an amazing meal and present a spotless house, I will live a life of complete solitude. SO... I recently made the decision that I'm going to invite people over into my life AS IT IS. I will not kill myself trying to present a home that is mis-leadingly clean or a dinner that is to DIE FOR. I just want food, friends and company and to be able to focus on the important stuff. SO...that's what I did last night. I had some dirty dishes in the sink and I made hamburgers and frozen french fries. AND IT WAS GREAT! I did, however, question my new-found philosophy when in the middle of dinner, we all glanced over to look at the kids playing by the window. Our house faces the west and the setting sun that pierces into our living room is really REALLY unforgiving. I've never cared much for how it brightens up the dust bunnies in the corner or casts a spotlight on the layer of fuzz on pictures or tables. BUT I was completely unprepared for the show it was going to give everyone this night and I began to think MAYBE there were SOME things I should have thought of tidying up before company came....just check out the pics for yourself.







Yeah that IS a window. You can't even SEE out of the right side. I swear it doesn't look this bad until the sun shines through it. I had no idea! I don't even KNOW what the heck is on the hands of children that allows them to leave marks like that on the things they touch. Ryan said it looks like we're torturing kids in here. I laughed at the dinner table and pointed out the obvious to our guests and yes, pulled out my camera to take a picture. This is what you get when you come to my house for dinner. Me, sitting at the dinner table, actually MARVELING at my own poor housekeeping so much so that I see it as a photo-op. ALL in front of company. Perhaps I've crossed over the edge...you'll all let me know won't you???

Just another thing to laugh at myself for I suppose. More things to laugh at:

Mackenna spent all day today begging me to open each and every Dora band-aid in the box because she desperately wanted to see what they all looked like. I don't even know how to begin to respond to an inquiry like that. I was just too in awe of the workings of the Three-Year Old brain to even formulate the proper response.

Later on in the day, we had a "dance party" to celebrate the end of Mackenna's dance class at the Park District. Mom's were asked to bring a "finger snack" for all the kids to enjoy. I KNEW I should have planned something long before the day of, but I stupidly convinced myself I'd have time to run to the store before class and pick something up (I always forget how NOT EASY it is to "run to the store" now with all these laws about not leaving your children in the car. ANYWAY, I of course end up not having any time at all so I was forced to improvise last minute. Everyone arrives at the party and I take a quick look at the spread on the table. In one bowl are tons of HAND-WASHED perfecltly red strawberries WITH all the leaves cut off and divided into tiny little baggies for each of the kids. Someone else brought a deli tray and juice boxes for every child. DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY SNACK WAS??? A half open box of animal crackers that I already had in my cupboard that I dumped onto a paper plate when I arrived. I AM NOT MAKING THIS STUFF UP, PEOPLE. I tried to do it quickly so the mothers wouldn't see it was from me BUT then again, I wanted them to know that I at least DID bring a snack. I think the offense of not bringing ANY snack is way worse than bringing a crappy one right? I just want to know how on EARTH that strawberry-mother did what she did. I even commented to her on the 'great snack" and she said "Oh I was late to class today, don't be fooled". Oh yeah? I was late to class too and all I had to do was shove a box of crackers into a plastic bag.

Dinner time - I was feeling especially tired tonight so I set Grayson down at his little table with a dinner he could eat himself so I could take a much-needed break. Trying to push aside any guilt of opting out of the fabled "family dinner", I try to enjoy my rest. When I glance over to see how he's doing, I catch him doing "airplane" with his spoon TO HIMSELF - complete with sound effects. Tell me that wouldn't make YOU feel like the worst mother in the universe.


On a happy note, Mackenna has learned to ride her Dora powerwheels tricycle and I was literally BEAMING watching her little feet pedal that thing with the tenacity of an Olympic athlete. She rode that stinkin' bike all over the ENTIRE neighborhood tirelessly...and Grayson was perfectly contect to sit in the stroller and let me push him while he watched. It was peaceful, it was productive, and I LOVED IT!!!! Check it out...



Lastly - I had an awesome-mom moment today when Grayson woke up from his nap tired and cranky and SCREAMING. I was JUST getting ready to pick up the house and get stuff ready to head out the door (to the afore-mentioned dance party) when he woke up so I brought him out into the living room and tried to set him on the couch while I continued my work. BUT he wasn't having it. I sat with him for a second, wondering how and when I was going to be able to part with him so I could start picking up the toys and getting stuff ready to leave, when he grabbed his blankie and leaned over onto my shoulder. I held him for a bit, seriously struggling while I looked at the clock fast-approaching the time to leave AND over at all the toys I desperately wanted picked up before Ryan got home. BUT... he wasn't budging so I finally resigned and tried to focus instead on the moment, holding him and just enjoying the rest. We spent the next 15 minutes laughing as he pulled the lint balls off of his blanket and handed them to me, prompting me to give him and exaggerated "EW YUCK!!!" that he would return with a big belly laugh each and every time. It was cute, it was silly, and it was glorious...and I would have missed it had I not checked myself and just STOPPED. NOW you can see why I had to resign to animal crackers on a paper plate. And...I think he's worth it.

Oh but he DID poop in the bathtub AGAIN tonight. I'm beginning to think this is a real problem.

Well that's all for now...KEEP KEEPIN IT REAL, PEEPS!!!

A Day in the Life...

So...it's been a while since my original post. Thank you so much to all of you for the awesome responses - I had no idea there were so many of you out there as crazy as me!!! This is going to be fun :)

For this entry, I'd like to share some random things that have happened the past couple weeks that I find come with the territory of Motherhood. Some times it makes me want to laugh, other times it make me want to cry. But it's all just a day in the life...

The following stories star myself, my husband Ryan, My three year old Mackenna and my two year old Grayson:

1) The other day Grayson decided to strip down to his bare deliciousness in the living room while my husband and I were chatting in the kitchen. We, of course, did not SEE him doing this part. What we DID see is him enter into the kitchen and prance buck naked across the entire kitchen floor ON HIS TIPPY TOES and then around the corner to disappear into obscurity without so much as making a sound or cracking a smile.. We both looked at each other like "what the heck was that?!" and then burst out laughing.

2) I'm trying to explain WHERE “Jesus” is to Mackenna. She doesn’t understand why she can’t see him and I have no idea how to explain all of this in Three Year Old Land. I don’t want to tell her He’s up in heaven where we can’t see, because that’s not quite true. I also don't want to say, "Jesus lives in your heart" because I imagine that might terrify a tiny child. So I’m trying to explain that He’s here, even though we can’t see him. She says, “But he’s not here - I can’t see him”. (I see your point kid - work with me here). So I say “Yes he is here, we just can't see Him" (genius)

Finally after arguing for a while, she draws her own conclusion: “I think he’s in the north pole with Santa Claus”.

Back to the drawing board.

3) I overhear Grayson the other day ask Mackenna if she wants him to "speeky butt"...which can be translated as "spank your butt". Mackenna then proceeds to put HIM in a time out. Well at least they are paying SOME kind of attention to my discipline efforts, even if they aren't yet effective.

4) Grayson approached me the other day asking me to get his "baby soup" so he can swim in the bath. I think you all know what he was TRYING to say. Hey, it was close.

5) Something that made me smile the other day...I was explaining to Mackenna how God made her and she said "yes, He painted me". From the mouth of babes!

6) I hear all the time that as kids get older and begin to assert their independence, the best thing you can do is let them make some of their own decisions. SUCH AS, picking out their own clothes, even if they don't happen to match. So what's a mother to do when they decide that all they'd like to wear is their baby blanket? My three year old is apparently already gearing up for her first toga party.

7) I see my kids hovering over something on the foyer floor. I think perhaps they are playing with some cars or small toys...whatever it was they were doing, I didn't much care because they were entertained. When I finally DO decide to look in on the party, I discover they are playing with an assortment of ants that have made their way into my house. I deliberated for a while on what to do with these tiny creatures invading my home (the ants, not the children). But then I ponder...pest problem or cheap entertainment for my kids??? The verdict is out - the ants stay.

8) Just tonight, my husband is giving the kids a bath and is just getting started when suddenly two naked, wet kids are being shuffled to the tub in our bathroom down the hall. I hear Mackenna say "but why are we going to the other bathtub now?" to which I hear my husband reply "BECAUSE Gray's a pooper". This is not the first time this has happened either.

9) Just last night we have an elder from our church over to visit and we are all chatting a the dining room table. Mackenna announces she has to go potty and runs to the restroom. We continue talking at the table. Just minutes later, as our guest is in mid-sentence, we hear a bellow from the bathroom, "MOMMY! The poopy is stuck!!!!" I smile sheepishly and my guest says, "I hate when that happens". Glad he could have a sense of humor about it. The funniest part is that I, of course, made the assumption that she was having trouble GOING...however, when I arrive in the restroom, I see her standing naked over the toilet staring accusingly at a tiny renegade poopie that had fixed itself to the bottom of the toilet, refusing to be flushed. It troubled her greatly so I had to get a toilet brush and beat the poopie into submission until it decided to leave for good.

They do NOT put these things in the job description.

What else? Oh update on dinner this evening- Mackenna had scrambled eggs and Grayson had 2 1/2 dino nuggets. Martha Stewart, watch OUT!

This week we are going to go to Michael's to see if we can find a CRAFT PROJECT to do. I can't wait to update you all on how that goes.

No temper tantrums or crying fits this week so things are going pretty well. The kids are doing great too!

That's it for now...I have to go switch the wash before it gets mildew-y. I am currently washing our bedspread since my daughter decided to pee herself during her nap today. She only seems to do this when sleeping in MY bed. And then I have a date to read "Nat Nat the Nantucket Cat" before bedtime. I do really enjoy story time :)

Until next time!

Motherhood Confessions

So I decided to start a blog to update everyone on my kids and family and to start trying to capture all the crazy, heart-warming, nauseating, stressful, wonderful, unpredictable moments that happen during my days as a mother. TOO many funny moments happen every day that I KNOW I'm going to forget if I don't start writing (or typing) this stuff out and keeping it! SO...I am excited to begin, but before I do, I have some stuff to get off my chest about being a mother. It has been the HARDEST thing I have EVER done in my entire life. But it has been the single biggest learning experience I've ever had.

This first entry will be lengthy but it's necessary to start with a clean slate. This will also give you an idea of the kind of blog this is going to be. I'm not going to pretend my life is that of fairytales and I fully intend to share the good bad and the ugly on here. It will be a great exercise in honesty and freedom for me AND probably pretty entertaining for you :)

SO here it goes!!!
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Motherhood Confessions

No one ever told me motherhood would be this tough. Lately, I just thought I was an emotional basket-case. If I had a dollar for how many times I’ve told my husband in all seriousness the past two months that I think I might need medication, I’d have enough money to pay for an 8 year supply of Zoloft. I have struggled with sanity since the day I brought my first daughter home. From the get-go, motherhood took me by complete surprise. Rather than a completely joyous occasion, my daughter's birth was a terrifying experience for my husband and I as she was unexpectedly taken from our arms and admitted into Special Care due to breathing complications. She spent one week in the hospital - something I was totally unprepared for. Then when we did bring her home, we discovered she was colicky, allerigic to everything and downright cranky most of the time. This was just the beginning of things not going according to plan - which, little did I know then, is like the central THEME of motherhood. I remember calling my mom after just a couple of weeks and saying QUOTE “I don’t get why people do this…what’s this whole thing about the JOY of motherhood???” and on one other occasion I called her in tears feeling like an awful mother as I tried to articulate that I love her of course…because I have to…but I don’t LIKE her at all…I felt like such a terrible mother because I looked down at my daughter and all I felt was “I just don’t like you”. /p>

This is the single hardest thing I have EVER done in my life. EVER. NO one tells you that this is IMPOSSIBLE. I think we get confused because we see so many people doing it – everyone’s doing it. Even men are mothers now for crying out loud…so if ALL these people are doing it, it can’t be that bad or people would stop it. And not only do people do it but they do it over and over again. SO…heck I certainly thought I was a capable and adept person who, if anyone can, I could.

Even despite the rough start, I was determined to be an amazing mother....I felt confident and capable. In the beginning I hung in there, day after day - refusing to give up. I had an idea of what being a good mother meant and come hell or high water, I was going to do it!!! But somewhere along the line, I got tired. REALLY TIRED. And I'm starting to resent this little word "expectations".

EXPECTATIONS, PRESSURE, STANDARDS, GUIDELINES, BEST PRACTICES...It all starts when we’re still just EXPECTING our bundle of joy. The endless list of rules and guidelines so as to ensure “The best start for your baby”. It’s a full time job just keeping up with all the demands of pregnancy…you can’t take one step without worrying that you’re going to do something to destroy your baby forever. Be sure to keep all your prenatal appts, ultrasounds and screenings, make sure your getting a balanced diet from all the 5 food groups, including fresh organic vegetables, whole grains and of course no sugar. BUT be sure to stay away from peanut butter as it can cause allergies in your little one…and while we’re at it, let’s limit our intake of milk, eggs, wheat and any other gluten-based product just in case. Oh and no deli meat because it can cause listeriosis…and speaking of listeriosis, you also need to be sure to avoid blue cheese, gorgonzola, brie and any other questionable soft cheese. I started to get so confused I ended up avoiding cheese altogether. Don’t eat too much tuna or fish because you don’t want mercury poisoning but be sure to eat enough because you still need plenty of Omega-3's or your baby won’t be smart. When you go out to eat and finally have a nice dinner out, be sure to cook your steak to the consistency of shoe leather and get rid of your family cat. As a matter of fact, make sure you don’t consume any vegetables or fruits that were anywhere NEAR your family cat and wash everything you eat 8 times with special vegetable wash that costs 80 dollars an ounce. Wow. (My friend was once hooked up to a morphine drip for two weeks during a complicated pregnancy but I’m going to damage my baby because of the salad I ate at lunch???) Get lots of rest and exercise, research baby names and decorate the nursery. Decide whether or not you want to bank your baby’s cord blood (a huge decision because how would you ever feel if one day your child comes down with an illness that could have been prevented and it’s now all your fault because you didn’t make the right choice). Oh yeah, and play classical music to your belly. Read your parenting books, keep track of your progress, take pictures at each month’s milestone and post on a blog to update friends and family. Decide whether you want to put your baby at risk with the selfish decision of a pain-free pregnancy and then sit back and enjoy the ride. Is your head spinning yet? This list is ridiculous. I’m on my third pregnancy now and I can’t even remember my due date.

Then the baby is born and enters in the pediatrician. I want to SLAP that guy sometimes. Forget the fact that he’s a GUY – just once I wish I could see his wife in the office standing behind him going “blah blah blah” as he talks at me about making sure I use the food chart to ensure the proper nutrition of my kids. I get dizzy as I look around the office at posters everywhere... “The TRUTH about Whole Grains”, “Are your kids getting enough Vitamin D?”, “Should my Child get the Flu Vaccine”…the room starts to spin and I feel faint...and then he pulls out the pen and paper. And ALWAYS the first question comes..."how are the kids sleeping?”…OK I can handle that one “well…still waking up here and there at night”…and my heart starts to pound….I know it’s coming….but every time I have to brace myself for the feeling of my success as a mother melting out of me and spilling onto his ugly, sanitized linoleum floor. “And is he falling asleep on his own?” And here we go. I swallow hard and answer in an intimitaded voice…”well... no.... he still uses his pacifier”.

Yes Mr. Pediatric Perfection - he still uses his pacifier!!! He’s 18 months old and still needs a pacifier to go to sleep!!! I just wish I could tell HIM to come over at 3 in the morning and sit with my son while he screams and wonders why his mommy is torturing him as well as everyone else in the family!!!! It’s just a little tiny piece of plastic and silicone but it is my LIFELINE to a peaceful night’s sleep right now and I am NOT ready to part with it yet OK??? So…my kid is going to have buck teeth or talk with a lisp or something awful because I’m the horrible mom that can’t seem to follow the rules and break him of this dreadful habit at the appropriate milestone timeline according to you and all your AAP rulebooks. I wish I could find the guts somewhere to just say “Well, he still has his pacifier…we’re thinking we’ll terminate use around the age of 5 or 6. We’ll see how it goes”. After all, I’m his mother…that’s my choice isn’t it???

And that’s just one person. Forget the host of expectations we find from other people – our parents, our friends, ourselves. I remember crying to my husband just recently talking about this expectation I have hovering over me and how much I realize I’m failing and he just looked at me dead in the eyes and said “Where are you getting your ideas about what it means to be a mother?”…

GOOD question, my friend. I really have no idea! But somewhere we have them and we know that somehow we are just failing miserably. There’s so much I should be doing. My daughter watches too much T.V, she hasn’t had vegetables in a week, I haven’t brushed her teeth in two days, my son has a diaper rash (wasn’t that always a signal of a bad parents who was too busy to change their kids diaper???), I have clean laundry that should have been folded and put away a week ago. Oh and speaking of laundry... I do about 8 loads a week…and two of those loads are re-dos. You know, when you have to re-wash the same load because you forgot to move it to the dryer?? I don’t even realize I’ve done it until I walk past the laundry room (I use that term loosely) and get hit in the face with a shot of mildew coming from the machine. Darn! Forgot to switch the wash again! Dump in another scoop of tide and around she goes again. Oh and THEN I feel guilty because I’m trying to be green and we’re supposed to “never let the water run” when brushing our teeth. I can’t imagine what two or three needless loads of laundry a week is doing for our environment.

My son slept in the closet until he was 18 months old. Yes, we have a two bedroom condo and had two kids with completely different sleeping schedules. So…he slept in the closet. It’s a walk in closet, but a closet none the less. I was feeling pretty satisfied with the set up until my mother mentioned that a friend asked her if there was enough oxygen in there. At first I was very confident. Well of course - like I would endanger my child! And then I started thinking “uh oh - what it if there’s not? Have I just permanently brain damaged my child? What if I’ve slowly deprived him of oxygen night after night?!” So Then I find myself franticly searching online…my google searches included the exact phrases “Signs of Oxygen Deprivation” and even “child sleeps in closet” just to see if I could find anyone else out there living my pathetic arrangement.
I was finally put at ease when I realized we had a heating vent in the closet that constantly pumps out new, fresh air. OK so that guilt trip is over. Of all the things I will do to cause damage to my children, at least this won’t be one of them. We finally did get him out of the closet and into a room with my daughter…but ONLY because we found out we are now expecting our THIRD child and are STILL stuck in this two bedroom condo so just when we thought we’re getting our room back, we will now have another child in the closet. And don’t even get me started on the mind trip I went on when trying to shop for furniture for the set up in the new shared room. I figured bunk beds would be perfect and really the only space appropriate solution…was feeling really excited about redecorating the room until I started reading online about the warnings that bunk beds are not for children under six (my daughter is three). Will SOMEONE give me a break here???? What IS safe anymore? I’m thinking that logically with a removable ladder, I can ensure my daughter’s safety as long as we only use the top bunk for sleeping. But the more I read that warning the more I begin dreaming at night about how my daughter is going to wake up sleep walking and launch herself off the top bunk and suffer permanent damage because of my stupidity as a mother. The decision whether or not to buy the bunk beds was as life-consuming as picking which college I’m going to send them to.

So continues the mental trip of motherhood. I want to make them homemade sweet potatoes and roast chicken but what I end up doing is serving up mac and cheese and a Lean Cuisine. I want to do crafts and create paint projects with my kids that I’ll cherish forever but I end up plopping them on the floor with some play dough just praying that my son won’t eat it this time…I want to take them to story time at the library and join mommy and me classes so I can hob nob with THOSE mothers but I can’t even seem to get out the door because I can’t find my daughter’s shoes and my son has no clean pants. I dream of a day filled with laughter and singing and dancing, but instead I am consoling one snotty nosed crying kid while the other begs to be fed lunch all the while crying and wondering when I’m EVER going to get to pee.

Oh yeah and one last thing. People keep asking me how I lose my baby weight so fast. The answer? I don’t eat. Yeah that’s right - no special diet or six week plan…I’m quite frankly just starving so don’t be jealous. Even when I do get a spare minute and finally sit down to some yummy deliciousness, it’s like my kids can sniff it out and they circle in like vultures to feast on my nourishment. I could put the EXACT same thing on their plate and all I’d hear is “no want” but when it’s on my plate it somehow magically transforms into some sort of forbidden fruit…They become CONVINCED that I reserve the special food for myself and feed them the leftover scraps. NO kids I’m eating a lean cuisine too…followed by 6 oreos if I’m lucky. When do people fit in time to EAT with all these kids around??? And for the record,being skinny does not mean being tone. I used to look like Ashley Tisdale in a miniskirt, now I look like Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Yep. NO one ever told me that motherhood was going to be this tough. I am realizing that to do it WELL takes WAY more than I have in me. But I'm relying on God now...dropping the list of expectations...and allowing HIM to tell me what being a good mother means. I'm learning that there is some serious joy and freedom in admitting we don't have it all together. I surrender my best each day and then pray for God to fill in the gaps for me. The ONLY way I'm going to be the mother I long to be is to have complete dependence on Him...I can't do this alone but with His help, we're going to be OK. I just need to sit back, enjoy the ride, learn to laugh at myself, and understand that there are mothers all over the world who feel like I do. And we're going to make it :)